Nice Guy/Bad Guy

"All females like guys who treat them like shit". I cannot tell you how many times I've heard this claim, mostly from "nice guys" who have been rejected by a woman to pursue another man who doesn't treat her as well. I'm not going to say that this is entirely untrue simply because I am a female, but I do not agree that all females swoon at the sight of a "bad guy". However, it seems that most do. I speak from experience. Not with myself, but that of my female peers. I've spent a lot of time in my days comforting girlfriends who are broken up over their "ain't shit" boyfriends or love interests. They pour their hearts out to me about how they're so hurt by his lies, cheating, lack of attention, basically anything that suggests that he does not respect her. And while I always ask to hear the full story to avoid sounding like what society has dubbed the bitter, single friend, my reaction always seems to remain the same: why does she tolerate this kind of behavior? In effort to find some kind of explanation that will satisfy this question, I've come up with 4 possible reasons on my own.

(1) She's insecure: She doesn't think that she is worth more or deserves someone better, and so this guy is the best she can do. She might find herself flawed in some way and is afraid that if she leaves him, she won't be able to find someone else who will accept her or want to be with her...

Beach Bum/Prestigious Attorney

Sometimes I dream of a simple life, where I wake up every morning to the sound of birds singing, sunlight streaming through my window, and blue skies and waters. I spend my days being a being a beach bum and and making a living doing something that doesn't come with a lot of stress, I enjoy, and provides for me adequately. During the evening I bless my ears with some reggae music as I sit in my "secret place" in awe of a beautiful sunset.

Then, I imagine myself marching into court wearing an expensive tailored suit, briefcase in hand, demanding everyone's attention. I argue my case competently, undermining the credibility of the opposing attorney. Later, I have my secretary make travel reservations for me or myself & my family to Italy where I've decided to spend vacation. My life is often quite hectic, but I like it. It challenges me and drives me to full self-actualization.



Reflecting on these contradictory scenarios, I find myself wondering what will truly make me happy. I want a life that  I am satisfied with; one that won't provoke regret.

Your Home, Your Peaceful Domain

Home is where you look forward to unwinding after a long, hard day. When life outside of those four walls get hectic, you imagine yourself at peace in your home partaking in activity that you find calming, or doing nothing at all. It is the ideal environment for rejuvenation.

This becomes a challenge however, when you share your castle with others. Living with people whose lifestyle differs from your own can definitely interfere with the peace you seek at home. They might constantly stimulate your major pet peeves, making it hard for you to fully enjoy your sanctuary. Consequently, you might find your relationship with that person strained as you continuously bicker with them regarding their annoying habits.  I suppose this is where compromise comes in. If you share your space with someone whose friendship, partnership, etc you truly care about, you must give & take in order to protect that relationship. Many couples, before getting married decide to move in together to "test the waters". Although my mother has always condemned cohabitation by unmarried couples, I can see why people decide to do this- unless the relationship is strong enough to survive household annoyances.

They say that you really don't know someone until you start living with them. I couldn't agree more.

How Much is TOO MUCH In Blogging?

I believe that aside from being busy with school, another reason why I had abandoned my blog for a while is because I really just don't know what I feel comfortable positing anymore.If you've explored my blog, then you know that I post a little bit of everything; from fashion, to art, to my personal life. Posting about my personal life allows me to vent or rant in a way that I'm unable to with a friend. When I'm expressing how I feel to a friend, they might unintentionally base their perception of the situation off things that they already know about me. Also, I might leave a few things out because I'm worried about them thinking differently of me, or if it's not one of my best friends I'm talking to, I'd be worried that they'll go tell my business.

Blogging about personal things allows me to express how I feel without having to worry about these things. But I wonder-how much is too much? I admit that I now feel quite vulnerable with my business so easily available on the internet for anyone to see. No one who knows me in real life knows the address to my blog. No one. I just worry about someone who knows me personally stumbling upon it some day.

I now find myself wondering what to do with this blog. Should I continue posting a little bit of everything or cut off posts about my personal life completely? But then-I'd be robbing my followers who like reading the personal posts...

Letters to Men From My Past & Present

1. "Baby this is tragic, cause we had it..we was magic". Any time I hear that line, memories of you flood my mind. Remember the random yet fun moments we had? Like the time we snuck into the ladies' restroom and started making out, aware that at any moment, someone could walk through the door. I didn't care about our surroundings. At that time, the floor beneath our feet might have as well been sand on the shore of a lovely beach, and the annoying sound of the water dripping from the faucet could have been the soothing sound of a breath-taking waterfall. That's how everything seemed when I was with you-like we were in paradise.You told me that I was turning you "soft" because you couldn't wait to get home from work so that you could call and hear my voice *laugh*.You would hold me in your arms like a baby; someone who you had to love and protect & dare not let go. I felt so secure in your embrace. I'd smell the fragrance of your familiar cologne as I nestled my head into your neck, and I'd know that  I was home. So why did you take away my home and leave me out in the cold like that? I know that you wanted our emotional connection to be strengthened not only by friendship, but intimacy as well. But I wasn't ready for the complexities, feelings, emotions, and attitudes that this experience would provoke. I wasn't ready to be part of someone else.

2. One night as we enjoyed each other's company, you opened up to me. For once, you let go of that "tough guy" facade, and allowed me to journey through your mind. It was there that I discovered that you were struggling with an internal conflict, though you would not admit it. It seems that you are torn between making someone happy, and making yourself happy. You fear that if you choose the latter now, you will regret it later. But if you don't love her by now, you will never love her. You entertain the idea because that's what your friends and family expect from you. You held me tight and said "I'm going to take care of you, okay?" I didn't know what you meant by that, and I didn't ask. I figured you were so caught up in emotion; emotions that you had robbed yourself of feeling for so long. Nevertheless, if you choose to break free from your cage, I hope that you soar high and allow yourself to enjoy all that the skies have to offer. If you choose to remain caged, I hope that you still sing, and build a beautiful nest together.

What Makes a Woman a "Slut"?

I think that this word is open to a number of subjective definitions.

Promiscuous: characterized by or involving indiscriminate mingling or association, esp. having sexual  relations with a number of partners on a casual basis. - Dictionary.com

Slut: a woman with the morals of a man

         

         A woman who sleeps with many men.

        The difference between a slut and a whore is a whore wants something in return, a  slut does it just because she likes it. - Urbandictionary.com

Surely, one cannot disagree that double standards exist between men and women in regards to perception of sexual behavior. In some of my favorite TV shows (Nip/Tuck, The Game, etc) the male characters have casual sex with a number of women frequently, because well, they "like it" and it makes them feel good. I imagine that some of the things that the producers discuss when writing these scenes go something like "He's a handsome bachelor, it's expected. This is the entertainment that the audience is looking for". But as soon as a woman who is not looking for a serious relationship dares so much as to pick up the phone to call Bobby who she met at the dinner party 2 weeks ago over for the sole purpose of satisfying her needs, her action is frowned upon. I too admit that I'm more likely to express distaste at a woman who is sleeping around rather than a man who is, because that's the way that society has programmed us to think.

 But really, if it's a numbers game, is there a certain number of sexual partners that a woman must have in order for her to be perceived as a slut? Or maybe it's having unprotected sex? Or maybe it's sleeping with a guy who she's only known for a week? Or maybe it's someone who charges for the cooch? Or maybe it's participating in a one night stand? Or maybe....

Can You Still Be Friends With Your Ex?

".....But I'd still like to be friends"
If you've ever heard those words from someone with whom you once had a romantic relationship with (and you still have feelings for), then you know that in this particular situation, someone offering you friendship is not exactly interpreted as a positive thing.When two people have shared a HEALTHY relationship via feelings that were once mutual, friendship is definitely a downgrade.

How do you become adjusted to introducing them as "my friend" rather than "my boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife"? How do you resist the urge to kiss , hold them like you used to, because you know that doing so would only complicate things. Or worse- how do you bare the sight of seeing them with someone new? You paste a forced smile across your face, but knowing that that was once you on their arm is tearing you apart. Sometimes being friends with your ex hurts-because you are put in a situation where you are constantly reminded of the good times, and you find yourself wanting that back. Even if you thought your feelings were vanishing, you find them resurfacing, stimulated by the simplest things.

But being friends with your ex wouldn't cut as deeply, it wouldn't hurt so terribly, were it not for one thing: they don't have feelings for you anymore. You still have feelings for them, but they've moved on. You accept their offer at friendship hoping that if you keep them in your life, you will get back together- that he/she'll realize that you were meant to be more than just friends. So you stick around, waiting, waiting..and nothing seems to change. Their mind is set. It hurts like hell. What do you do now?

I just don't see how people do it. Sometimes it might hurt not to have ANY kind of relationship with him/her, but it might hurt even more to be their friend.

Your Thoughts on the subject?

Disaster In Haiti

I believe that in some way or another, we are all being affected by this tragedy. My soul cries when I reflect on all the hardships that my fellow Caribbean people have been subjected to for years. It's unfortunate that though  most of us were already aware of the country's struggles, it had to take something so heartbreaking to get our attention. The truth is, they've needed our help all along. You know, this disaster has really forced be to look within and genuinely want to change my ungrateful ways. I believe this is my biggest flaw. I tend to be ungrateful at times when it comes to being unsatisfied with the things I have. Sometimes I'll frown at something that my mother prepares for dinner and refuse to eat it, when so many Haitians would be more than relieved to munch on a slice of bread. We have it so much easier than we think.

Ever since I watched Alicia Keys in Africa: Journey to the Motherland, which I posted about here, I've wanted to save the world. It breaks my heart to know how much other PEOPLE are suffering worldwide. Conversely, I must say that my heart is smiling upon seeing how much aid people have decided to offer the nation of Haiti. Please keep praying for them.

Hey You, Society!

Who the hell is "society"? Who in "society" determines what is acceptable or not? Am I not allowed to have my own outlook on certain aspects of life? Why should I conform to the general mindset of "society"? What is "society" & who gave it so much power over our lives? Surely, most people would mention what is written in the bible but it goes beyond that: Who is society to make one girl feel less attractive than the next? Who is society to make a hard-working man feel inferior about his job position? Who came up with the characteristics that determine what makes a lady, from the phrase "act like a lady?" Culture, Politics, Religion, all these things cannot be disregarded when trying to figure out "society" & it's complexities..& that's exactly what it is: complex. And I'm confused. Confused about life in general.

& to the person who unfollowed me, I'm sorry to see you go. *Lights a candle in your honor*

Catering To A Man, Defeats The Purpose Of Woman Empowerment?

Years ago, when I first heard the title of Destiny's Child's song, Cater 2 U, I was fully prepared to criticize the message that I assumed the group intended to deliver: wait on a man hand and foot, be there at his beck & call, live your life vicariously through his. Priding myself as a feminist, I was ready to rip the song apart before I heard it. So I pressed play, and listened to the lyrics carefully. Just as I expected! The lyrics initially reinforced my assumptions of the message behind the song. However, while listening some more, those lyrics provoked some thought:

Note that they are singing about catering to a hard-working, appreciative man who is deserving of all the love & attention. It is not directed to just any Joe Smoe on the street, who sits on his ass all day demanding a sandwich & such, but is directed to what people tend to refer to as a REAL MAN. With that said, maturity & experiences have led me to the belief that there is nothing wrong with catering to a good man. We as women, are nurturing and caring, and so if you possess these notable characteristics, why not express them towards your man? All men love a good massage after a stressful day, a nice home-cooked meal, etc. I've come to realize that it's things so simple like these, and sometimes effortless, that shows your man that you care about him, and makes him stick around. Remember, that the male ego is fragile. Apparently, if a man feels that his ego is threatened, or if he feels emasculated in anyway, he will find a way to get out that relationship. A man wants to feel a sense of pride & dignity......//

Is It Possible To Get Your Heart Broken Without Being In A Relationship?

I don't remember if I've mentioned this on my blog previously, but I've never been in a committed relationship. I know that I've mentioned that I've been hurt yes, but I've never said "this is my boyfriend". I will explain why in a bit. First of all, let me tell you that I know I've been hurt, because it felt like someone ripped my heart from my chest, and stomped on it with his heavy timberland boots till the love, care, and hope drained from the holes....And when I've managed to finally stitch it back together, another comes along, rips my patch-work heart from behind that massive wall in my chest, stomps on it with his heavy timberland boots, and drains what little was left. Early this morning, I posted this as my facebook status:

Same shit, different guy. Same guy, different lie.

I got a lot of feedback from this: girls liking and/or agreeing, and guys opposing, one even liking it! Someone then went on to ask me how is it that I've been hurt when I've never been in a relationship.

How is that possible? I'll tell you how...

As long as mutual feelings are involved, and you both express your interest in wanting to take things to another level. The person swears to you that you can trust them not to deceive you, to play you..and even though initially, you were reluctant, you open up your heart, and let them in, with the mindset that things are going to work out as long as you take it slow. You believe them when they said you can trust them. Then, they go ahead and do some grimy shit, and simultaneously, "play you". With that said, how is it NOT possible to get your feelings hurt? Especially when it's a different guy, each time. And I said to that person who questioned me, "And that's why I've never been in a relationship. Because they hurt me before we can even get to that step".

It's Like Virginity Is Some Kind Of Handicap...

"You're a virgin? wow, that's really hard to find these days"

That's the response I usually receive from a guy.

Or...

"So would you let me take it?"

This one is common too, only less frequent than the first.

The latter always upsets me. Obviously your recent discovery of my sexual status highlights the fact that you still have a lot to learn about me . Why would I let a guy who barely knows anything about me...my mind, my feelings & who I hardly know anything about, "take it"? Yes, it means that much to me, because it's a piece of my being that I can never get back, and carries significant consequences. Either the guy is highly egotistical, very ignorant, nonchalant about the matter, or simply does not place a high value on sex. I perceive it as more than just a physically pleasurable experience. To me, it's a union that connects two people emotionally, as well as physically. It's a mutual understanding, a deeper way to express your feelings for each other. So why fool, would I let you "take it"? That response is such a turn off & guarantees that you won't "take it".

Although I'm in no hurry to lose it, I  sometimes I feel like it acts as a barrier towards advancing my relationships with guys. Most of them I meet are usually pleased to hear that I'm a virgin. I used to think that it was a turn off, as it means that I'm inexperienced (Sometimes, it still is). Now, they commend me for it. Apparently, for the wrong reasons. I think it's because they want the title of "my first" for ego purposes. When I realize that a guy and I are developing feelings for each other, and/or we've gotten physical, I let him know "Look man, this is how it is and well, I don't know when I'm going to be ready..." & he says "It's okay. We don't have to have sex yet" Bullshit.

It's really hard to find a guy these days who is willing to wait for me. Truth is, I have to be reasonable and acknowledge the fact that if he's been sexually active for a while, it's going to be difficult for him to suppress that need. Unfortunately, his needs, impatience or frustration usually results in my heartbreak...

"I'm Not Bitter, I'm Mad as Hell"

I'm sick of guys and their bullshit. If there ever were to be a spokesperson for a men-bashing society, it would be me. I have every right to say this. You'd say the same thing too if you were in my shoes. They get pissed when we say that they're all the same, but why is it that you go through the same shit with every guy that you give your time to? And every guy your homegirl gives her time to. And the latest gossip you hear is about the chick down the street who is going through the same thing. And this woman on the Tyra show is crying over her lame ass boyfriend who is more worried about getting some air-time that he is about the chick's feelings. And why is it that the same dude who was voted "cutest couple" with his girl for the yearbook, is the same one tryna holla when she's not around? You even see the shit that the men you love the most like your brother, cousin, uncle, etc to do females. Then you're gonna tell me that "they're not all the same." Okay. obviously, I don't mean that shit literally, like every human being walking on earth with 2 balls between his thighs is an asshole. But the majority of them sure as hell are.

I heard there are good guys out there...where the hell do they keep those at? And I'm not talking about the ones who would give any female the time of the day because he's usually in his mama's basement playing Halo 3, having no life. I'm talking about the ones who actually have something good going for them. I don't want to hear "you've just been looking in the wrong places" because if I were to look anywhere else, I'd be kickin' it with an alien on Mars. I've met many dudes who have told me "I'm not like the rest." Well it doesnt mean shit till you prove it boo.

Martha, the Housewife

They say "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." Most would agree it's because men appreciate a good home cooked meal. But why is cooking him a meal considered a likely way to get his attention and boost the chance of him falling for you? I mean shoot, I love food too, but I don't put as much value on a guy cooking me dinner like he would on me doing the same for him. Is it because they naturally enjoy being catered to by the female, because of their experience in the womb? The first female to ever cook them a meal, wash their clothes, clean up after them, is usually the mother. Do most men unconsciously seek a life partner who can replace the role of their mother?

         Women like being taken care of financially. They seek security. Men enjoy being taken care of doemestically. Here's an example of what most men would want his domestic life to be like. He comes home to a clean house and a wife who is looking right. She serves him a good plate of food, asks him about his day, and gives him sex later that night. And there is nothing wrong with that, as long as he shows her that this is not all she's good for. He needs to show her that she is his partner, and not an ancessory. I mean real talk, the role of women hasn't really changed significantly since the 19th century. Sure, there are stay-at-home fathers today, and women are able to pursue their own careers. But even then, sometimes an independent woman is a worrysome to a man. My friend was saying that he appreciates an independent woman as long as she doesn't exclaim "I don't need you for anything. I make my own money. So if I were to leave you now, I'd be alright" Men claim they are looking for an independent woman, but many are threatened by that. Because they have BIG EGOS. They need to feel needed. Not wanted, needed >>>

Cat Fights & Foolish Girls

♪ Listening to: This Means Money- Konshens ♫

"Ohhh, she was messing with my man? Imma beat that trick's 
ass" Girl please. You are so foolish. You remove your earrings to fight the girl who your man has been messing with behind your back while he tries to pull you away from her saying "Baby calm down, chill with all that" What he's really saying in his mind is "Ahhh shit, two girls are fighting over me" You fool. You forgive him as soon as he holds you in his arms and says "You know you're the only girl I love. She doesn't mean anything to me" Then you cook him dinner and treat the slimy frog like the prince he's NOT.You let him get away with creepin' around while you tell all your girlfriends what a s**t his side piece is. Because oh, excuse me, SHE'S TO BLAME. Fool.
              
        You fail to REALIZE that if your man loves you like he says he does, if you're really his one and only, then you wouldn't have to fight any females over him in the first place. You're calling up the numbers in his phone, telling all his female contacts to keep their distance. But why? If you can trust your man, why do you feel the need to do that? Why should you feel threatened by those ol' fast females? Go ahead and ask him to delete the digits then. And have him burn the little black book he hides in the closet drawer while he's at it.

                                    Call the other woman every derogatory word you can think of. And hey, maybe she is every single one. But you still refer to him as "my man". Let me just tell you this...HE'S the one who is supposed to be in a committed relationship with YOU. If you two are married, then HE'S the one who made vows to YOU. The other woman might be wrong, but at the end of the day, she owes you NOTHING. She might just have gotten played by him too, with no knowledge of your existence. So before you remove your jewelry to get ready to whoop her arse, check "your man" first.

It's the Simple Things Found In Nature...

Listening to: Chrisette Michele's Epiphany Album.
Mood: Content.

that give me pleasure. Sure, a closet full of beautiful clothes, shoes, and jewelry, along with a nice house to put them in would please me too. But hey, there's only so much joy and satisfaction that materialistic things can bring you.

When I was a child, I was comfortable playing by myself. I had the prettiest dolls that could do the coolest things-talk, drink milk, cry, laugh a lot of things that real babies do. On the weekends, I would sit on my porch all alone and play with them all day. Then, when 6:00 pm arrived, I would hurry and pack up all my toys, race to "my secrete place" and sit and watch the sun set. I thought it was the most amazing thing. The sun, in all its glory, would slowly start to disappear, signaling the start of night. And all the clouds would be replaced by lots of bright stars. Then I would look for the brightest of all, and call it "my star." This was a daily routine that I enjoyed & looked forward to. Later that night, I would put my dolls to bed and sing them Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in honor of the moon and star-lit sky.

A full moon, the setting sun, and a mother ape nurturing her infant are the most amazing things I've ever seen to date. They beat any materialistic thing by far. I can never get too accustomed to something as fascinating as nature. It's one of God's most beautiful gifts. But how often do we appreciate it? How often do we take time to appreciate it? How often do we say "Thank You?"

Cut The Bullshhhhh *Reposted*

♪Listening to: Unstoppable-Drake ft Lil Wayne & Santogold♫





At first, I had deleted this post but I put it back because I would not have been practicing what I preach...which is to - KEEP IT REAL. Do yourself and others in your life a favor and Don't bullshit Don't play games Don't beat around the bush Don't lie Just keep it real. It will save you so much internal conflict and people will appreciate it. How do you keep it real?

1. Accept the fact that you cannot please everyone.
2. Say what's on your mind....it's okay to sugar it up AS LONG AS you get your entire point across.
3. Surround yourself with positive people.

Click Below for more....

3 Powerful Relationships

♪ Listening to: Smooth Criminal- Michael Jackson ♫

So it's 2:54 am here. Well, you will see that below this post, but I thought I'd add it for emphasis. Anyway, yeah, its pretty early and I should be sleeping since I'm up doing nothing but I have a lot on my mind and I can't sleep anyway. I'm thinking about romantic, friendship, and family relationships since these 3 are the ones that affect us the most in life. Okay, let's go.

Romantic: I have never been in a serious relationship. So I've never had a boyfriend. I'm 19 btw. I've had flings where it kinda felt like it was a relationship, but the commitment has never been there. I've been hurt many times by different guys. I know what you're thinking-how can someone who is not my boyfriend hurt me? Well, it is very possible, my dear. When you open up enough so someone can get to know you on a level higher than friendship, when they put it in your mind that this is going somewhere, just to tear everything you've shared apart. Not only am I scared to get hurt by being in a romantic relationship, I'm also scared that I will be one of those people who are blinded by love. You know, I like/love the person so much that I let them get away with grimy stuff too easily. I've had friends like that. I tried to show them their worth, show them that this person isn't right for them..all the signs are there. But they refuse to take heed because they are so in love/like. I value my common sense and I don't want that to go out the window just because someone swept me off my feet.

I Want To Do My Part...

Listening to: Man in the Mirror-Michael Jackson


Today, I watched one of the most heartbreaking things I've seen in a long time. Me, being a big huge fan of Alicia Keys, was reading up on some of the projects she gets involved in. The "Keep a Child Alive" foundation is probably one of the most well known. It's an organization that provides African people plagued by Aids with the medication that they are unable to afford. Alicia visited three countries- Kenya, Uganda, and South Africa where she learned more about the Aids epidemic & recorded her journey in a documentary called Alicia Keys in Africa: Journey to the Motherland. Two of my best friends come from Uganda and Kenya, so this also raised my interest in the matter. Apparently, Aids originated from monkeys and the disease transferred to humans who ate monkey meat. Isn't that interesting? That's information I've just learned today.

Reflecting on Life & God

Listening to: Strength, Courage & Wisdom- India Arie.

You know, I've been doing a lot of reflection lately on life in general. I've always enjoyed my own company and find that when I'm alone, I tend to do a lot of deep-thinking. I wouldn't really call it meditating. Meditating to me is to be in an environment that is silent, relaxing, and will not easily distract me. I've yet to try meditating, but I plan to soon. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes-reflecting on life.

I've realized that the older I get, the more I really have to learn. My momma was right..I still have so much more to learn. And at 19, that is expected but I've come to realize that life is an ever-learning process. You never stop learning as long as you are living. I am a student in a huge classroom with billions of classmates, life is the teacher, and God is the supervisor. You don't really get recess or lunch breaks..there is something to be taught every step of the way. And homework to me is proving that you have learned something from the lessons life throws at you. Once you have learned how to walk through a certain path in life despite the gravel & pot holes that try to trip you up, you've graduated from one of life's intense lessons. But it is important to confront the supervisor (God) every step of the way to make sure that you are on the right path. Sometimes it may feel like you're walking through a maze-confused, tired, and frustrated, you feel like there's no way out. But once you seek God, he will hold your hand and lead you to that open door.